*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted