Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Cool shirt 🙂