[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
real
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Straight people are cancelled
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.