Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down