teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.