The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
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My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you