I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
🙅🏻
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite