You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
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If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.