My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Best spoiler warning ever
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom