Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
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ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?