Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
You Might Also Like
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
hey, alexa