*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
life finds a way
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Zack Greinke stories are the best
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?