Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
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#NationalGirlfriendDay
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
How it started: How it’s going:
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.