Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.