I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
He-man has a Masters degree
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones