I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
peep davidson
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I get distracted pretty eas
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.