Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
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Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Netflix and you sit over there.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?