Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
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Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade