Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”