is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
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3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
There is no “we” in chocolate.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.