A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.