Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale