Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.