Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
me after eating Cheetos
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?