[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF