Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
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2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I identify as an antique shop.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine