wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
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I like crazy people until they notice me
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.