If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.