*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
The struggle is real
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.