My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!