COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My god she’s good.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me when my alarm goes off
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?