How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕