Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Worst perfume name ever.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda