Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My therapist after every session
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions