The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
This will never not be funny to me.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.