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Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
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Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.