I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
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“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Can’t stop laughing
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
A dad and his duck
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.