Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
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i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?