BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
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[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
How funny!
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything