*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
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I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine