People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄