I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
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Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
The old gods are rising again.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?