me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.