I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
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I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
This pepper has seen some shit
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
How times have changed.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
marvel comics have peaked
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA