No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
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It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.