*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
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THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
jesus, what did this guy do
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.