Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
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Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?