*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.