eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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Just a reminder, folks:
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My what?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.