I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
This chloroform smells expensiv…
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.